The Butt of Every Joke
by Irhaboggles
Summary: For all of her life, Squawk's been insecure about her rear end and its annoyingly large size. It doesn't help when her coworkers at the Danger Agency make bad puns at her expense either. But maybe, just maybe, she will one day find a way to love herself regardless of what she looks like. (Don't be fooled, this fic is only about Squawk's butt, feel free to pass. It's kind of weird).


**AN: Just a heads-up, this whole fic is literally all only about Squawk's butt. If you don't like that sort of thing (and I don't blame you because I don't really like it either) please read some of my other, better fics. But if you do want to read a fic about her rear end, here you go. This was the weirdest thing I've ever written and still don't know how I feel about it. I don't really ever want to write a fic about this again tbh, but I don't think this fic was terrible. **

"Och! Not again!" Professor Squawkencluck muttered in annoyance as her overly large behind bumped into several of the little glass vials resting delicately on the table behind her. She was able to turn around fast enough to catch them before they fell and broke, but as fate would have it, the moment she stood back up, her tailfeathers bumped into something else.

"Ahhh!" she yelped as she watched one of her microscopes heading towards the floor. She quickly shoved all of her little glass vials into her left wing while her right wing shot out to grab the microscope. She managed to catch it, but remained crouched for a moment as she tried to regain her bearings and rise slowly this time. Humiliating as it was for her, her rather large behind had always been a source of grief for her. It seemed like no matter where she went or what she did, it was always in the way.

Luckily, though, she was able to stand up a second time with little trouble. She carefully set everything back in its proper place.

"There we go!" she sighed, resting her wings on her hips in satisfaction, but that was when the door to her lab literally went blasting open.

"WOAH!" she yelped in surprise, and then she backed right into her table again, sending all the little glass vials flying again. This time, she wasn't able to catch them before they shattered on the ground. Her beak dropped open in anger and dismay before she whipped around, with angry eyes, to glare at the one responsible for the travesty.

"Good morning, Professor! How was your day?" it was Danger Mouse, strutting in with a cocky expression on his face. At his heels was his loyal and devoted friend, Penfold, busily devouring jam-slathered toast.

"Well, it _was _good until you showed up!" Professor Squawkencluck growled, wings crossed as Danger Mouse came closer. He caught sight of the broken vials lying on the ground behind her and his eye widened.

"Oh! Are you running some sort of explodey test? Can Penfold and I help?" he asked excitedly.

"No!" Professor Squawkencluck snapped. "And no! I was not running an "explodey test". I was _trying _to clean up my lab a little bit when _you _came in and ruined it all! Your rude interruption was what caused me to break them!"

"What?! Me!? What did I do?!" the mouse complained, but then right as he asked, it clicked. He was able to put two and two together, realizing how Professor Squawkencluck was standing in relation to the table where the little glass vials used to be.

"Oh, right," he muttered. Professor Squawkencluck wasn't the only one who found the issue of an oversized rump to be both genuinely problematic and highly embarrassing. As her closest coworker, Danger Mouse had to deal with the fallout of Professor Squawkencluck's rear end too, strange and comical as it sounded. How many times had she accidently backed into him or sent him careening? How many times had she nearly compromised a dangerous stealth mission because her big fat back end kept literally getting in the way of everything?

There was, after all, that one time on the London Eye when she had accidently bumped the control switch and sent the Ferris wheel spinning out of control. Then there was another time when she'd tried to squeeze between a control panel in her lab and something large that had been in the way only for her to accidently bump the button to put the lab on lockdown. That had been a disaster! And then there was the time when she'd nearly knocked Danger Mouse off a building because the two of them had been on the edge of it when Professor Squawkencluck turned around too fast only for her butt to collide with Danger Mouse's and send him plummeting through the air. And there was another time when she (or rather, her rump) had gotten stuck between two closing doors, which necessitated a handyman to come down to the lab and pry the doors off of her. That had taken an entire day and been enormously humiliating for everyone involved. And then of course, there was right now, Professor Squawkencluck having just knocked some of her own experiments to the floor when she bumped into them.

"Well, don't take it too hard, Professor! Just don't leave the vials so close to the edge of the table," Danger Mouse tried, voice soothing, but there was a laugh in the back of his throat. "I mean, I know you won't make _that_ mistake again, because _hind_sight is 20/20 after all!" then he began to laugh, long and loud. She seethed at him and, for a moment, Penfold could only look up at them both in confusion. Then it sank in.

"Oh! Good one, Chief!" he cried. "_Hind_sight! Like _hind_quarters!"

"Yes! I know! It was a pretty good one, wasn't it?" Danger Mouse wiped a tear from his eye as he congratulated himself on his little joke.

"No, it was not!" Professor Squawkencluck snarled dangerously, but Danger Mouse was on a roll now.

"Oh, don't _butt_ in Professor! We were just trying to have a laugh! Your work is still stuff we can really get _behind_! I'm sorry if it's such a _bum_mer to you to be the _butt_ of every joke, but Penfold and I can't help it! There's just too much to work with! Literally! I mean, look at you!" through laughter, he managed to gesture to all of Professor Squawkencluck's rather large bottom. She stomped her foot, causing her tailfeathers to sway a little. This only sent Danger Mouse and Penfold into more hysterics.

"This is just a _haunch _Chief, but I don't think she likes our jokes! I think we're making her feel a bit like she's hit rock _bottom_!"

"I derr-iere say you're right, Penfold!" Danger Mouse continued to jest. All the while, Professor Squawkencluck only stood there, growing angrier and angrier. She said nothing as the jokes flew back and forth, but then she finally snapped. Out of the blue, she began to rant and rage at her two coworkers, shrieking like a maniac about how she'd had enough of their jokes.

"In case you haven't realized, I try my hardest! But it does get very difficult when your stinking tailfeathers are in the way of everything all the time! And I am well aware of this fact! I am well aware of my rather large gluteus maximus! You do not need to keep reminding me or pointing it out! You have some kind of nerve, Mouse, to come in here and make fun of me! Especially for something I didn't do or ask for! I can't control this! I don't want this giant rear end either! But your constant "clever" puns aren't going to help anything! Now GET OUT OF MY LAB! And don't come back until you're ready to APOLOGIZE!" she was clucking mad now, almost hopping up and down in her anger. It was enough to legitimately scare Danger Mouse and Penfold away. They fled the lab as fast as they could, not daring to look back even once. If they had, however, they would've seen the sudden sorrow that crossed Professor Squawkencluck's face. They would've seen the way her shoulders slumped and her tailfeathers dropped. They would've seen her heave a sigh of self-loathing. But since they didn't dare turn around, they missed it all.

As soon as the two were gone, Professor Squawkencluck sat disheartened on the floor of her lab, curled up and miserable. She did not regret what she had said to her coworkers, nor did she regret the anger she felt as they continued to insult her. What she did regret, however, was her figure. Her posterior. Her giant, overly sized, overly large butt. Because yes, she really did hate it! And it really was a nuisance! And yes, she really did hate being the butt of every joke! But it had been going on for so long. Even since childhood...

"Mum! I can't fit into this dress!" little Professor Squawkencluck had said as she struggled to get her clothes on over her tailfeathers.

"Oh my!" her mother had replied. "I think you've grown a bit! I don't know what I can do! But I may be able to make a few modifications..." in the end, Mrs. Squawkencluck cut a large hole in the back of the dress so that her daughter could actually pull it on. It had been humiliating and ugly, but it was all that they had. From then on, Mrs. Squawkencluck handmade all of her chick's clothing, because nothing else in stores fit her.

"I hate it!" Professor Squawkencluck decreed sullenly as she looked at her new outfit, but she knew as well as her mother that it was all they had.

"Squawken-butt! Squawken-butt! Professor Squawkencluck is a Squawken-butt!" that was what the students at school had said to her.

"No! No I'm not!" that's what she'd tried to retaliate with. Suffice to say, it failed miserably, and only encouraged further teasing and strife. For one so smart as she, she was terrible at comebacks and defending herself. Instead, she could only hide away in the bathroom and cry, trying to block out their cruel names and jokes. But it wasn't very easy to do that when she realized how right they were.

"I'm almost too big for this toilet seat!" she sobbed, and that fact hurt her almost as much as her new name: Squawken-butt.

"Hey, hey, hey, pretty lady! Over here! Doesn't a thick chick like you want a rooster like me?!" one of the boys at her high school demanded as she walked down the hall, trying to keep from tailfeathers from swaying too much. He was far from the first male student to wolf-whistle at her massive behind, but just like all the others, she ignored him. She grit her beak and kept on walking, very careful of every step she took in case it caused her rump to shake and give that stupid rooster the wrong idea. She hated having such long tailfeathers! Not only did they make her butt look even bigger, but they swayed so easily that the slightest motion of her hips would make them shake, and that always gave everyone the wrong idea about her!

Even in college, the teasing continued, though it was far more passive-aggressive. There were no more names or insults, but there was still the occasional uncreative butt joke/pun, and people's perceptions of her changed. How many times was she ignored by brilliant scientists because they thought she was only eye-candy? How many times did people assume beauty was all she had? How many times did people think that all of her brains had moved out of her head and down to her large posterior? And how many people would catcall and wolf-whistle, not because they thought she was pretty, but because they thought she was "thicc"? This was what made her the most uncomfortable, but if she tried to address it, even to yell back and snap at her catcallers to shut up, they would take her response as a positive reaction either way and keep on going. So all she could do was keep her eyes down and her mouth shut.

And even at the Danger Agency, her rear end continued to cause trouble. As all of her coworkers were well aware (and tired of) her big butt did have a habit of bumping into things and causing messes. One time she was on a mission with Danger Mouse at the London Eye. She had bumped into the control panel of the wheel and sent it spinning out of control. Another time she'd accidently backed up into a button in a secret underground bunker and accidently sent the whole thing on lockdown. Another time, she (or rather, her stupid rear end) had gotten stuck in a closing door, requiring a handyman to come and pry her out. Another time, she'd actually knocked Danger Mouse clean off a building! The two had been standing on the ledge when she turned around too quickly. Her butt collided with his and he went tumbling. He survived the fall thanks to a parachute he had, but it had still been a very embarrassing moment for both of them. And then of course, like today, there was all the times she'd bumped into her own projects and destroyed them. (But perhaps the most embarrassing thing of all was whenever she would sit down and stand up, only for someone to point out that she had sat on something and it was still stuck to her rear end. Those were the days when she wished she could just disappear clean off the face of the Earth forever).

Even the narrator of this stupid show would make fun of her back end!

_Once again, Professor Squawkencluck proves that she's a woman that the gang can really get _behind_!_

_And Professor Squawkencluck toils away in her lab... trying not to break anything with her rather large tailfeather!_

_-but will the danger never stop for our brave scientist? Will she be able to kick this mission in the rear? Or will it all backfire and leave her stranded? And will I ever be able to stop making butt jokes? _

"Curse this stupid-!" Professor Squawkencluck couldn't even finish, harrumphing and wishing dearly that she could just saw off her rear end and be done with it. But she knew that was an impossibility, and it would leave her looking even dumber than she did now. So, with a resigned sigh, she stepped forward to clean up her mess, silently hoping her stupid tailfeathers didn't knock anything else over while she cleaned up.

That evening, Danger Mouse and Penfold returned to the lab, both of them sincerely apologetic.

"Professor!" it was Danger Mouse who called out to her first, politely knocking on her lab door this time.

"What is it, mouse?" she snarled at him, still refusing to even look at him. He opened his mouth to complain about her tone and temper, but one small quick from Penfold set him straight once again.

"An apology," he replied formally. She finally turned around. Her eyes widened when she realized that Danger Mouse had brought her a cake. It read: _I'm sorry for making fun of you so much_." But the last three words looked smudged, as though something else had been written there before (in fact, there had. On the original cake, Danger Mouse had tried to write, _I'm sorry for making you the butt of every joke_, but at Penfold's insistence, he changed it. It was perhaps a wise decision in the long run).

"Did you poison it? Or fill it with some secret concoction to make my butt even bigger?" she deadpanned, crossing her wings warily.

"What? No!" Danger Mouse cried, legitimately shocked by Professor Squawkencluck's lack of faith in him. "Penfold and I made it this afternoon! It's a totally normal cake! We even used a recipe that Big Mike gave us, so it's nothing that I or Penfold tried to invent!" he shoved the cake at her. She still looked wary, but hearing that the recipe had belonged to Big Mike and not anyone at the Danger Agency made her feel a bit better.

What followed was a rather rare and touching moment between the three friends where, while Professor Squawkencluck ate, Danger Mouse and Penfold both sincerely apologized for hurting her feelings. Of course, it had taken a few tries for Danger Mouse to be able to speak an apology that wasn't only about him, or a defense for his case, but he got there eventually, offering up a sincere and proper request for forgiveness after such rude, selfish behavior. Penfold's apology was much better, but it was Danger Mouse's that really made Professor Squawkencluck smile. She was still mad at him and still insecure about her figure, but realizing that Danger Mouse really did care enough to actually make an attempt at a real and sincere apology was enough to change her mind about them both. Suffice to say, the day ended much better than it began...

In the days to come, Professor Squawkencluck began working on her self esteem. It was slow going, but there finally reached a time when she started to accept who she was and what her body type was. And along the way, all of the Danger Agency helped her. Slowly but surely, Professor Squawkencluck's insecurities began to fade and were replaced by self-love and self-confidence. She was still very shy and hesitant about her body, but thanks to the sincere support from her friends, she was getting better and bolder. In time, she began to walk with a new spring in her step, no longer caring if her tailfeathers swayed. Sometimes, she would even sway them on purpose! Admiring how beautiful they looked when they moved. And every once in a while, she would crack her own butt joke, her self-confidence making her feel more comfortable around them.

"Danger Mouse, know that I'll always have your back... end," she joked, and he had nearly fainted when he realized that she had willingly made a butt joke all her own. Penfold actually did faint, but that surprised no one, because he was the most easily surprised out of all of them.

"I can't believe you really just-" he gasped.

"Oh, Danger Mouse, you _rear_-y need to get to know the New Me better," she interrupted with a laugh, swishing her tailfeathers a little. Then, as she sauntered off, she continued to shake her rear end at him and he couldn't help but wonder if she was trying to flirt with him... But any thoughts of that nature died the moment Professor Squawkencluck tried to leave the room only for her large rear end to get caught in the door again.

"Call the handyman!" she commanded with a frustrated but knowing sigh, and Danger Mouse ran off at once to do her bidding. Meanwhile, Professor Squawkencluck only crossed her arms and sighed. But(t) for once, she was happy.

**AN: Calvin+Fujii, here's your Squawken-butt fic. **

**To everyone else, I have to say that it was the weirdest thing I've ever written, but I still think it turned out ok. Let me know what you think. And please don't hate me for writing this crack-fic. I have a lot of other, better stuff to skim through if you didn't like this. Kudos to you if you got through it, and no judgement if you really liked it. This just isn't my cup of tea, but here you guys go. **


End file.
